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When can conflict be good?

Usually conflict is presented as something that is negative, and that there is one side seen as right and the other as wrong. These two factors have an impact on how people view, and work with conflict. Conflict being portrayed as something that is negative and, separately, that the two sides in a conflict always consist of one agent who is in the right and the other in the wrong, act as masks to a broader understanding and appreciation of conflict. It can cause a ‘flight, fight or freeze’ response, none of which helps sort out a conflict amicably.

On our Mediation Skills training, one of the things we look at are the different conflict management styles people use, and how this may vary from one situation to another. We also propose that conflict can be helpful, can even be good. For some, this may come as a surprise. 

There may be a number of reasons for two parties being in a conflict. There may be a difference of lifestyles, or of opinions, or a lack of understanding, to name just a few. When we find ourselves in the middle of a conflict, we can fail to appreciate that there is a difference between understanding someone, and agreeing with them. We may consider that by asking questions, listening and hearing what the other person says we may well gain an understanding of their reality. However, we feel we risk compromising our own views, diminishing our line of argument by asking questions. After all, we tell ourselves, we are ‘in the right’. And yet, by developing an understanding of another person we gain in several ways. 

Firstly, we get to see a more complete picture of the conflict – we learn what the other person’s perspective of the causes and impact are, we see similarities of experience as well as differences. And we begin to realise that the conflict is not what we first thought it was.

 
Secondly, we get to know a bit about the other person. They are no longer ‘that neighbour’ or ‘that nation’, they become human, become real to us, and we become invested in sorting out the conflict as part of a conversation. The process becomes less adversarial and more collaborative. And that is where the skills of a mediator come in, to help them think ‘outside of the box’ and to feel safe to express thoughts and feelings and to explore options.

We can learn more about ourselves, and have the opportunity to reflect back on our own beliefs and actions, reviewing and revising how we handle ourselves when in conflict.

Where a mediator is used to help parties sort out a conflict, there are other benefits. The parties in the mediation meeting can see first-hand another way of sorting out their conflicts. News, social media and television show us just one way to sort out a conflict – where ‘might is right’, where getting the upper hand is all that matters. In a mediation meeting, people get the chance to experience a different way of sorting differences, more focussed on what they can build together going forward.

An experienced mediator will - near the end of a meeting - ask both clients to think about how they will sort out any future disagreements. By doing this, the mediator helps clients to think ahead, and work together to agree a different and more collaborative way of sorting things out. This alternative way of sorting out differences between us and others becomes something more positive and less alien. This way of sorting out disagreements involves conversations not arguments, collaboration not competition. 

The power of mediation in helping people quickly and with little or no cost sort out their differences is one of its big selling points. Yet the potential for clients to learn that there is a different and positive way of working through a conflict can be overlooked. In some parts of Scotland today, primary and secondary schools use peer mediation as a way to sort out disagreements between pupils. As they experience first-hand a mediation approach to conflict, they learn that an adversarial approach is not the only option. We are slowly educating the next generation to view conflict differently. 

For us, our challenge is, whatever our job, to reflect and change our own view of conflict, and to see the opportunities for learning.