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A fair stooshie

In our most recent podcast we heard from Caitlin who talked about her experiences of mediation. One of the things that she talked about was the importance of open questions and summarising. Helping people who are in conflict is the lot of a mediator, however I believe everyone can learn some of the skills we teach on our course and use them in everyday life, not just in mediations. Let’s begin with open questions.

An open question is one that someone cannot just answer with a “yes” or a “no”. Open questions are a good way to find out directly from the parties involved, exactly what is going on for them. Open questions when used well, removes a lot of the value judgements or assumptions that can creep in. Let me give you an example.

Two neighbours live directly above each other. Neighbour A on the ground floor is a 24-year-old male who lives alone. Neighbour B on the 1st floor is an 84-year-old widow who is complaining to you, the mediator, about the noise from the flat below. At first glance this may seem to be simply a clash of lifestyles, together with the issue of noise and perhaps poor sound insulation. However, at your initial visit with party A, you pick up a nervousness and apprehension about the meeting that doesn’t quite get sorted by your reassurances and explanation of how the meeting will be run. Meanwhile, when you visit party B you discover that they used to have a very good relationship with the previous neighbour downstairs and have only once met the new person, who moved in a year ago. Fast forward to the mediation meeting itself.

After the initial stages of the meeting, you open up the meeting for discussion. And you choose to open it with this open question:

“how are you both feeling right now?”

The man explains how they use music to settle themselves as they have had difficulty with their mental well-being in the past and that they are anxious to get on better terms with their neighbour. The woman says that they are anxious to get things sorted and to be able to feel safe in her flat; she has heard all sorts of stories about partying and party flats and is afraid to speak with her neighbour directly. And so with that one open question the mediator learns so much more about the two people in that room. And that the issue of the music is just one part of the story, one part of what needs to be sorted out. Also, importantly, because the two neighbours are in a space where they are safe and beginning to talk openly to each other, they are learning more about each other and realising that’s some of their fears were perhaps misplaced.

So using open questions in conflict situations are useful; they can bring out so much more information than would otherwise be available, help you work out what the issues are and gently lead parties to consider potential solutions. In the next blog I’ll talk about the power of summarising and how it supports good listening.